In this thread, we tell dirty jokes

[Moddy]

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

[SonKev]

LOL...THATS HELLA FUNNY BUT A LITTLE INAPROPRIETE!! ROFL!!! :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard:

[Moddy]

LOL...THATS HELLA FUNNY BUT A LITTLE INAPROPRIETE!! ROFL!!!

naped on teh inappropriate - this is teh SPAM FORUM!

[Moddy]

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

[Moddy]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[SonKev]

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH lol lol lol lol that is the best joke i have ver heard!!!

I have a joke:

There is a German guy,a French guy,and a American guy....they go to a counrty where it is illegale to drink beer...So they break the law and have to go to jail and get 20 lashes from a wip.So the president from the counrty feals sorry for them and lets them have a wish before they are lashed.

So before the german guy gets lashed he wishes for a pillow to be tied to his back,but the lashes still are very painfool(i cant spell).The french guy wishes for 2 pillows but it still hurts.Then the american guys wishes for the french guy to be tied to his back!LOL If you dont understand this joke well think americans hate french because i the war in iraq!

[Defiant One]

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH lol lol lol lol that is the best joke i have ver heard!!!

I have a joke:

There is a German guy,a French guy,and a American guy....they go to a counrty where it is illegale to drink beer...So they break the law and have to go to jail and get 20 lashes from a wip.So the president from the counrty feals sorry for them and lets them have a wish before they are lashed.

So before the german guy gets lashed he wishes for a pillow to be tied to his back,but the lashes still are very painfool(i cant spell).The french guy wishes for 2 pillows but it still hurts.Then the american guys wishes for the french guy to be tied to his back!LOL If you dont understand this joke well think americans hate french because i the war in iraq!

Psycho? Is that really you? :hittard:

[Moddy]

Psycho? Is that really you? :hittard:

No doubt! LOL

[SonKev]

Do you guy's like my joke i made it up?!?!?!?! lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol ...i still like that joke? :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard:

[Moddy]

Do you guy's like my joke i made it up?!?!?!?! lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol ...i still like that joke? :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard: :hittard:

We need to put you on a 'one smiley limit' per message.

[SonKev]

lol lol lol lol lol ok but can i do the lol's? :hittard:

[Moddy]

lol lol lol lol lol ok but can i do the lol's? :hittard:

Yes - yes you are.

:)

[FairyQueen]

:wave: I think that this is the best of them all :wave:


Now if they were just able to make it work like a true wave....

[Moddy]

:wave: I think that this is the best of them all :wave:


Now if they were just able to make it work like a true wave....

heeh..yeah, that's the hard part :)

We do have pretty kewl smilies over here :)

[SonKev]

mykul i dont think that "im gay" thing was very funny.... :(

[Moddy]

mykul i dont think that "im gay" thing was very funny.... :(

Smiley abuse leaves me no alternative but to abuse my admin powers :)

[SonKev]

:|

[LawJp]

Uh, oh, we have a rogue admin on our hands! :D

[Bullfrog]

They ain't dirty...but they are funny!

BITCHY BUMPER STICKERS!

Actual bumper stickers found on cars and trucks!

Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink, Don't Park; Accidents Cause People.

Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

If That Phone Was Up Your Ass, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else ... And Seek
Counseling..

Impotence Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

The Earth Is Full --- Go Home.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

So Many Pedestrians --- So Little Time.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help.

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?

It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.

I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off. [Seen On The Back Of A Biker's
Vest].

If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong.

Fight Crime --- Shoot Back!

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over. [Seen upside Down, On A
Jeep]

Remember Folks --- Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For
70mph.

Guys --- No Shirt, No Service; Gals --- No Shirt, No Charge. [Reported To Be
Seen On A Restaurant]

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the
Hut?

Necrophillia --- That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

Ax Me 'bout Ebonics'.

Body By Nautilus --- Brain By Mattel.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Cat --- The Other White Meat.

Caution --- Driver Legally Blonde!

Don't Be Sexist --- Broads Hate That.

Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.

Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

[Moddy]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade
his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only
son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament:

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES!
Love
Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
police showed up and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love
Bubba

[Bullfrog]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade
his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only
son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The
old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament:

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the BODIES!
Love
Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
police showed up and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. That same day the old man received another
letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could do under the circumstances.
Love
Bubba

Given the day that I am having today....this was a VERY good laugh. Thank you....

[Bullfrog]

From A mathematical viewpoint ~


What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%



But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%



And...,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%



AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,

And, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top


:hump:

[SonKev]

LOL lol
:hittard:

[Moddy]

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.

First woman-- "I froze to death."

Second woman -- "You froze to death - how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman-- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. but instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked
under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died." .

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

[blue_dirt]

A horse rolled in the mud.

[Anasazi]

Dirty Joke.